So after taking a 2 month hiatus from my blog, I finally re discovered my passion for writing and remembered why I started this thing in the first place.
Last year was so tough for me. I found out that I’m not superwoman. I had to admit that i am only human (i know, shocker) and that maybe i had taken on to much at once. But hey, God loves a trier right?
Anyhow, after a midyear mental break down, lots of sleepless nights, millions of tears, countless panic attacks, months of being in denial and pretending i was fine, depression and anxiety, I finally admitted I wasn’t ok. I took some time off from work, time off from the gym, time off from writing my blog. At the time this seemed to me like my absolute worst nightmare, I didn’t want to slow down or stop doing all of these things but it was important for my health, mental & physical.
It’s weird because everybody else could see it at the time, everybody was telling me Kirsty your way to hard on yourself, your taking on to much, stop trying to please everybody, you need to rest. But of course I didn’t listen.
We all make mistakes, Christ I’ve made some whopper ones, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to make plenty more. But you know what? To be old and wise you first have to be young and stupid. Good judgement comes from experience, and experience.. well that comes from bad judgement. So here’s to many more mistakes. Making mistakes doesn’t matter, what matters is if you don’t learn from them and you keep on making the same mistakes.
Sounds grim I know, not my usually positivity. But actually, after being forced to confront all of the ways I was holding myself back, after being forced to admit that I needed help after struggling in silence, somewhere in that dark dark place… I found myself.
So this past few months have been a journey of self-discovery for me. The biggest thing has been learning to not be so hard on myself and to stop being a people pleaser and to just do things for me. I’m learning a lot about the real me, and within that I rediscovered my passion for writing. So I’m back to writing my blog, but it’s going to be a little different this time. Still based on fitness / spirituality, but this time I’m going to be more honest and write about what is really going on. The highs and the lows.
If you look back in my blog posts from last year you won’t see any mention of how much I was suffering, I wasn’t intentionally hiding it but like I said I was in denial. I’ve never been one to ask for help, or even admit when I need it. I am fiercely independent. I had so many people asking me why I hadn’t wrote for my blog in a few weeks, if everything was ok, I just didn’t know what to tell people. So I finally decided you don’t need to tell people anything, just be honest. So that’s what this is.
It’s weird because even after the hardest year of my life, having days where I couldn’t leave the house or go to work, days when I thought I just can’t do this anymore, days where i wondered if I maybe wasn’t strong enough. Now I’m actually better than I ever have been. Never in my life have I been so honest and true to myself, and it’s a wonderful feeling.
Rock bottom is a pretty good place to build a solid foundation. So that’s exactly what I did. And now I’m working on building myself back up, brick by brick, stronger than I was before. I remind myself every day – I got this.
Whilst suffering with a list of mental health issues along with over all a really challenging year, I still managed to keep my optimism no matter what. That’s one thing that will never be taken away from me.
I guess if one person reads this and can relate, or one person feels motivated by it, or one person who is suffering with mental health takes anything at all away from me blogging about this, then it was worth writing. I just want to do me and hopefully inspire and empower some people along the way, the reason i started my blog in the first place.
Love and Light.