Second time lucky.

***08/02/19***

I’m writing this laid up in bed recovering after having my second surgery on my knee last week.

Let’s rewind..

Last year I had a surgery on my right knee to remove a melanoma. It was sent around to several specialists in Ireland and one specialist in Holland and finally they got back to me and said they all agreed they got it all the first time around, no further surgery needed. Massive sigh of relief ! I can’t even begin to explain the emotions felt at hearing you have Cancer and waiting to find out if it has spread or not. Anxiety, fear, dread, grief, panic, to name a few ! The weight that lifted off my shoulders when I got the call from my Dr to say they got it all the first time around was palpable.

Fast-forward to the end of January..

I then got a call from the hospital only two weeks ago to tell me actually no, your Dr shouldn’t have advised you that and we need to see you again ASAP. I argued blind with the nurse on the phone God bless her.. ‘no you’ve made a mistake my Dr told me you got it all’.. ‘I got the all clear back in December’.. ‘are you sure you have the most up to date records’.. ‘can you check and see if you have the results from all 3 specialists there as they confirmed that it was all gone?’. She had to repeat to me several times that she had my most up to date record and then she advised they recently had a board meeting where they discussed my latest results and the hospital decided that further surgery would be necessary. You couldn’t make this shit up!

I was back in the hospital two days later meeting my oncologist surgeon & discussing my treatment plan. He wanted to take a wider margin from the area and send that off for further testing, no risks being taken here.

1 week later I was in the Vincent Private having my second surgery. It all went well but the surgery was a lot bigger this time and a lot more painful so I’ve been laid up in bed for the past week recovering and keeping my leg elevated.

I was advised to pop back in to the dressing clinic yesterday so they could check the wound as I was worried it wasn’t healing as well as last time. The nurse was so careful with it and told me that it does seem inflamed and it was still bleeding slightly (which it shouldn’t be). Due to the scar being right on the inside of my knee she said I need to be very careful to keep my leg straight and put no pressure on it as bending/pressure can cause it not to heal properly. So that’s me in bed for another few days now before I even think of leaving the house.

To say I’m bored shitless is an understatement. I’m usually so active with work, gym, yoga, walks & cycling. Lying in bed for 8 days straight so far is not going down well but I really do need to make sure this heals well so for a change I’m actually listening to the Drs advice.

On the plus side, I’ve been getting lots of reading done & have finally found the time to stitch missing buttons back on dresses & shirts I have had lying around for a while. Little tiny positives right?

My results should be back next week. I’m staying positive and hoping that my Oncologist was just being very thorough by performing a second surgery but until then… fingers crossed & praying.

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Life after diagnosis.

In 2018 I was diagnosed with autoimmunity (PsA), neuropathy & skin cancer.

I went through months of harsh medications that destroyed my immune system & left me weak & fatigued. I lay awake through endless nights of chronic physical & emotional pain. I watched my strength disappear, I watched my health deteriorate. I went from squatting 100kgs to being unable to hold a cup in one hand, unable to hold a pen, crying because I couldn’t hold my key properly to open the door. I’d get off the train from work and run home so I could climb in to bed and cry, my head and neck (aside from everything else) were in so much pain I couldn’t do anything else. I went on holiday weekends and spent the full time locked in the bathroom of the hotel coughing & crying.

I went from being the healthiest person I knew, to being the unhealthiest. How dare my body betray me like this? After all of the clean eating, workouts, yoga, years of no alcohol. Why me?

I stopped writing my blog… who wants to read a ‘health & fitness blog’ from a girl who can’t walk to the end of the street without feeling like she was going to collapse?

But guess what?

In 2018 I empowered myself by learning about my disease. I read books, I read peer reviewed scientific studies, I listened to podcasts, I changed my mindset. I came off my medications & started taking only herbal & natural supplements. I got my arthritis under control, I made progress with my neuropathy, and most importantly.. I beat cancer !

Whilst dealing with all this I was promoted to customer support team leader, and passed my probation with flying colours. I got back in to a regular gym routine & started practicing yoga again. I started to build my strength back up. I studied to become a personal trainer, passed my exams & got my qualifications ! I moved house.. and then I moved house again.. into a beautiful little apartment with my caring & supportive boyfriend. I didn’t just survive, I thrived.

The reason I’m sharing is not to get sympathy.. I don’t need it. The reason I’m sharing is to give others hope that there is life after diagnosis & to teach others about the battles of chronic disease. To show others that your mindset is absolutely everything.

I accomplished so much last year while simultaneously wondering if I was going to die. I believed in mind over matter anyway, but last year reinforced my beliefs beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Last year completely broke me… physically.. but nothing can break me mentally. Not anymore, that ship has sailed.

I am living proof that when life fucks you over, you CAN come back stronger.

I prayed to God every day to make me strong. Oh boy did he deliver. A few years ago he gave me panic attacks, anxiety disorder & disassociation. I overcame them all & became very mentally strong through that process. Then last year he gave me arthritis, autoimmunity, neuropathy & cancer.. I became even stronger.

This will be my first post of my ‘new but old’ blog. I want to share my journey & show that with the right mindset, YOU can do anything. I’ll share details of my health struggles, how they effect me daily, things I have tried & tested that have helped with the pain. Things that lesson my symptoms, things that make them worse. Yoga practices, workouts, recipes. Some of the old stuff, and some of the new stuff, some of the good stuff, and some of the bad stuff. Hopefully this will also be a place that will ease the suffering of others with autoimmunity by reminding them that they are not alone & allow others to come along on our journey learning more about it themselves.

2018 was a sucky year but sure as hell did I kick it’s ass. Here’s to 2019 !

 

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A blessing in disguise.

It has been such a tough year for me being unable to train for the most part due to being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (PsA), but at the same time this year has made me so much stronger. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Last year I was training because I hated the way my body looked, I was so critical of myself and so hard on myself, and even though I was shredded to death I just wasn’t happy with my physique. I was obsessed with every little detail of my diet and training, and my life was consumed by it. Don’t get me wrong, i was really enjoying it all, but i was also creating a very toxic place in my own mind from being so hard on myself and never feeling satisfied with my progress.

After rapid onset of my disease in July last year, and very quickly getting to a point where my arthritis was so bad I couldn’t even hold my phone, walk properly, or hold a pen, i somehow managing to pull myself around and manage the pain and come off my medications (i’ll post more about how i did this later). I am finally feeling good and I have been back training for the past 7 weeks consistently, my strength and shape are both coming back quicker than I could have imagined and this time round I am training because I LOVE my body and I am amazed at what it can do.

The gym was my whole life, i had a fitness blog for crying out loud, and God took it away from me for a very long time, but it taught me to train for the right reasons and to be so grateful to be able to exercise.

I used to squat 100k and be upset because I hit a plateau, now after not training for almost a year I’m squatting half of that , and I AM SO GRATEFUL, every 50k squat I’m like fuck yeah my body is amazing to be able to do this considering my disease. Every single rep feels like a blessing, every single workout is a tiny miracle.

I have also realized that a few days off from the gym won’t kill me, and neither will a burger or a cocktail. 1 year of not training properly and being sick, yet my shape still looks tops, am I shredded to the bone? No. But am I happy with my body ? YES ! I am looking to improve my physique again, but I am also very happy with where I am at right now. I’m happy in my own skin.

To some people having a life changing and chronic disease might seem like the end of the world. To me, this is just the beginning.

Thank you, for the lessons.

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Welcoming Autumn.

I love autumn, it has always been my favourite time of year. Today in the northern hemisphere we have the autumnal equinox. Today day and night are the same length of time and the sun and moon are in perfect balance.

Major moments like the equinox and change of seasons will always be reflected in ourselves. We are one big living organism. By taking a look at the outer world and the shifts that are happening around us we can also learn a lot about our own journey at this time.

So what does the autumnal equinox and the coming months mean, for us?

”the trees are getting ready to shed their leaves and let go of all the old”

Well, it couldn’t be clearer than that could it? Now is the time to let go of the old, release anything that no longer serves you, release any emotional baggage, release any negative vibrations, let go of any negative thought patterns, ANYTHING that no longer serves you.

Write it down on a piece of paper. ASK the angels to help you release it. Then burn it outside under tonight’s equinox moon and feel that weight being lifted off from you as you let go and let God.

But remember this is a culmination of energies and patterns that have been playing out and building up over a very long time. They won’t be gone in one night. What you are doing is setting the intention that you want to let go, you want to be free, you want to release these things. Now in the coming days listen. Let your spirit guides do what they do best and GUIDE you on your path to inner peace and transformation.

Your angels will always guide you on the right path. They always know which way is best. They ALWAYS have your best interests and they want this for you more than you can ever imagine. All you have to do is ask, then listen. Listen to what they are telling you to do next.

Maybe it will be a feeling you get. Maybe an unexplained ‘meaningful coincidence’. Maybe they will send you an angel feather. Maybe you will have a dream. Or maybe something will just come to you and you will just KNOW what is next. Whatever way your angels communicate with you (it is different for everyone) just trust them, and have the courage to take the steps.

Transformation is a beautiful thing. Just like the trees shedding the leaves and the beauty of autumn- there is nothing more beautiful than you shedding anything that does not bring you peace in order to transform in to who you really are. A being of light.

Many blessings.

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To be human.

Coincidences do not exist.

Nothing happens by chance.

Life is a string of seemingly complex synchronicities leading us from one experience to another.

These ‘meaningful coincidences’ are a wink from the universe that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

That all is well.

& although now you cannot see how the different phases & events in your life are connected..

One day you will look back with the deepest smile in your heart when everything finally comes together and you realise why it all happened, what it all meant, and what you were being prepared for.

& until that day, stop trying to figure it out, just laugh at the madness, the good, the bad, all of it..

because this is why we are here, to experience what it is to be beautifully human.

The good and the bad.

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Enter the void.

Where once was a void,
Now there is a universe.
Universe around me,
Universe within me .
I entered the void,
Explored my inner daemons.

The last thing i expected,
Was that when facing my own darkness,
I was also faced with my own true light.
How bright, oh how bright.

Enlightenment, you tricked me.
& how grateful i am.

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Poem by me – Enter the void.

New Moon Manifestation.

Everyone knows i am fascinated by astrology. I don’t read my horoscope i’m not really into that but i am always very aware of the moon phases and of any significant planetary alignments/movements.

I always tend to get very low on energy around the time of the full moon, but when it comes to the time of the new moon i always feel a burst of energy and very positive and productive.

It can work one way or the other, my energy tends to work like yin yang to the moon. When the moon is full and the moon energy is heightened, mine is the opposite. However some peoples energy works along with the moon so when the moon is full their energy will also be at its fullest.

My favourite thing about a new moon is NEW MOON NEW INTENTIONS. A full moon is for letting go of what no longer serves you & a new moon is for new beginnings, new intentions and manifestation.

This is the perfect time to set some new intentions. Set them for the coming month, or set them long term, either way the new moon is the best time to harness this type of energy and manifest your wishes!

Write down on a slip of paper your intentions for the coming month. Make them specific and make them confident. Use terms like I WILL, or I WANT.

After writing them down try holding the slip of paper in your hands while you meditate on them, focus your energy and your intention on the slip of paper and what you have wrote whilst harnessing the power of the new moon.

After this put them away in a safe place, maybe a trinket box or if you have a sacred space. Remember, if you want to manifest something you write it down and keep it, along with the new moon. If you want to let go of something, you write it down and burn it, along with the full moon.

It’s a new moon tonight so lets all write down some good intentions, ask the universe for what we want, BELIEVE that we are already receiving it from the minute we have asked, and then be ready to receive.

Love and Light. x

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Raising my vibration with Intentions

The way you spend the first hour of your day is said to set the tone for how the rest of your day will go. I am a very big believer in this and that is why i spend the first part of my day trying to raise my vibration, clear my thoughts and set daily intentions.

Over my next few posts i’m going to tell you some great quick and easy ways to raise your vibration first thing in the morning, to help you get the most from your day.

Intentions.

The first thing i do when i wake up every morning as soon as i open my eyes is to set my intentions for the day. It really does something special to your focus and your motivation to set yourself daily goals and expectations from yourself, and by saying it out loud to yourself first thing when you wake up you are CREATING your day with your words and your thoughts. It doesn’t have to be anything long winded or massive, something nice and simple. Even a few positive affirmations will do. Here is an example of mine –

Today my intention is… i want to be happy, i want to be positive, i want to be healthy, i want to be safe, i want to be productive, i want to be motivated, i want to be disciplined, i want to be focused, i want to succeed in anything i focus on, i want to make good choices, i want to be energetic, i want to live from my heart, i want to be compassionate towards others and be helpful in any way that i can, i want to create and see opportunities that benefit me, and i want to have the courage to take these opportunities so i can grow and be successful.

Those are just my intentions, but it doesn’t have to be like that you can have some more goal specific intentions such as… today i want to finish my college assignments, i want to study for my exam, today i want to hit a new personal best in the gym, today i want to be more social.

Make sure you are clear about your intentions and make sure you say in in such a way that there is no mistaking it. Today I WANT to be successful.

Anything you want from the day, will it into being as soon as you wake up. Don’t wait to see what will happen, create your day from the minute you wake up. Open  your eyes and tell the universe – THIS IS WHAT I WANT FROM TODAY, PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME ON THE PATH WITH LEAST RESISTANCE.

Check back in a few days for my next post with another way to raise your vibration in the morning.

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When feathers appear..

… angels are near.

Feathers are sent to us by our angels.

This is their way of guiding and communicating with us. A feather that comes to us in a strange way or happens to blow onto our path is manifested by our angels in the ethereal realm and then transferred into our third dimension for us to receive them. A gift. A sign.

The most common feathers sent by angels are white ones. A white feather means your angels are reminding you to keep the faith, they are there and they are supporting and guiding you every day. A white feather can also be them sending you a message from a loved one who has passed. If i come across a white feather i take it home and add it into the feathers on my dream catcher using a piece of wire or thread. Some people like to keep them in their sacred meditation space, or even just in a small safe trinket box.

A few days ago i came across a beautiful black feather, it blew right into my path onto my foot as i was walking home from the gym. If ever your angels send you a black feather this one does not belong in  your dream catcher. A black feather should be placed on your windowsill or beside your bed, it is a reminder from your angels that you always have their protection, have no fear or doubt.

If ever your angels do send you a feather, try to remember what exactly you were thinking about the moment they sent it to you. The feather could be the answer to a question you were thinking about, it could be encouragement from your angels, they could be helping to guide you in the right direction and remind you they are with you always. Once you have received the message from your angels make sure to thank them. A simple thought of gratitude and love is enough.

Every one of us each have two angels that we are connected to at ALL times. They are always guiding you, you just have to ask. The thing is we do have free will, so your angels will guide you but they will not interfere without your permission. If ever you need guidance, or protection, or the answer to a question… or even if you just need comfort and want your angels close. Just ask them for help, ask them for safety, ask them for a clear sign and believe that you will receive one and i promise you will. Every time.

Love and Light.

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